7.24.25 // "Gaining Weight"

A stranger recently commented on here that I was “gaining weight.”
.
It stung... because of what it implied: that change, softness, or expansion is a problem. That taking up more space equals failure. That my worth is somehow tied to how little room I occupy.
.
After I shared the comment- and my reaction (that it’s not okay to comment on anyone’s body, at least not in my safe sliver of the internet, and how it triggered my ED recovery)- my friend KK, an incredible human and ultra-runner, reached out and asked, “I’d be curious to hear how you got into such a good place with your ED/body/etc…”
.
So, I want to be honest—because I think we need more of that. Here’s what I told KK:
.
The truth is, my eating disorder still feels like a daily (or at least weekly) wrestling match. Sometimes I go longer without flare-ups, but those stretches usually line up with me looking the way I think I’m “supposed to.” It’s still tied to an impossible standard, one I know is harmful, and yet, I still feed into it sometimes.
.
Even on my dreamy trip to Italy, staying at a beautiful vegan hotel and eating vibrant, nourishing meals... I loved every bite. I climbed more vertical feet than I have in years. And even there, surrounded by nature and joy, I caught myself analyzing photos, lingering in mirrors longer than I’d like to admit.
.
I love bread. And I don’t want to reach the end of my life wishing I’d just eaten the damn cake. But I’m still doing the mental gymnastics. Still trying to balance the full, joyful life I want with the part of me that still longs to be “small enough.” And honestly, I don’t know if “enough” will ever exist. Maybe that’s the disorder...
.
What’s helped is this: talking about it. Saying it out loud. Naming it with friends who understand.
.
It reminds me that taking up space, with softness, and a belly full of food, is not failure. It’s freedom.
.
As I told KK, I don’t know if I’m in a “good place.” But I’m in an honest place. ED recovery is a relationship, one with challenging moments and proud ones, but it's a relationship I've had for 16 years and may have for another 16.