5.29.25 // Invisible Awards

Awards I used to think I'd get a prize for....
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Invisible trophies—not the kind you put on a shelf but the kind you earned through sacrifice, discipline, and pretending not to need anything.
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In hindsight, I was auditioning for approval in a play no one else was watching. I believed these behaviors made me more lovable and enough. Spoiler: They didn’t. But they did reveal who I thought I had to be—and who I’m learning to become instead.
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Here’s a short list of medals I once chased:

1. Productivity
I equated output with worth. Rest felt like guilt. Slowness felt like failure. I thought staying busy would earn me love, respect, even safety. Turns out, hustle isn’t a stength. It’s a coping mechanism.

2. Being as skinny as possible
I believed shrinking my body meant growing my worth. Thinness equaled discipline and desirability. But I was chasing approval—hoping if I could just shrink enough, I’d finally be enough.

3. Constantly being on adventures
I love adventure, but for a while, I used it to prove I was fun, free, and full of life—even when I was running on empty. Stillness felt like invisibility. See point 1...

4. Never taking rest days
I wore exhaustion like a badge. I thought endurance was strength. But constant motion isn’t always power; sometimes, it’s avoidance. Rest is sacred. Stillness is listening.

5. Keeping it all together
I prided myself on being the one who could handle it. But behind the calm was fear of being a burden, of falling apart. Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s honesty.

6. Being liked by everyone
I believed being liked by everyone would keep me safe. But being liked isn’t the same as being known—one protects you, the other connects you. And chasing the first often leaves you lonelier than ever.
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I’m done collecting trophies for self-abandonment (or reather I'm working on it). These days, I’m learning to celebrate softness, truth, and the quiet courage it takes to take up space (!!), just as I am. There are no awards for this one wild, precious life—and I’d rather live it than perform it.