5.25.25 // Apparent in Days

What has been wrestled for years, apparent in days.
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Routines broken. Hearts, too.
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Distance and difficulty. Sleeplessness, lingering like a haunting wraith.
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Yearning for you-  lost in me.
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Tears fall with gravity towards hell, yet the release feels like a call to heaven.
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So much time spent spinning, blaming, questioning, looking outside myself for someone to make it make sense. Gripping, holding, controlling. Desperately searching for constants.
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Unwilling to see myself as that same constant I kept chasing in something else, somewhere else, someone else.
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Because for so long, I didn't believe I could be that constant. I had let myself down too many times. Wounds I thought had healed- silently festering, fed by the sour, internalized beliefs I carried about my worth.
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And yet, in days, the blindfold is removed, the wound addressed, and the truth made clear.
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In the darkness, the depths, the most vulnerable and raw moment, I hit the ground. A slap to my cheek. Not just cognitive understanding, but a feeling- a pulsing realization through my nervous system.
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The fear still lingers- of old habits that might pull me back. But now, accountability is shared. Support is asked for. The challenge of unwinding years of self-oppression is named.
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I don't want to be who I was in that fear, constantly unsure of who I would be without this moment, this place, or this person.
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But I do know who I am. I do know who I'd be.
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I'd be the same Liz, whose values are love, kindness, and truth.
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And while feelings may rise and fall, the pillars of me remain.
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There’s more pain ahead​... but also more beauty than I’ve ever known. And I know this: though the habits will take work to change, the promise of peace, of finding true solace in myself, is worth every reaction transformed into a response, every hard-earned pause, every gentle reframe of the stories I once spun without thinking.